Sunday, March 2, 2008

Gardening with Dogs

I've learned a lot about gardening with dogs in the past 30 plus years. The following, from a newsletter I published in the 1990s, is being reprinted without the permission of it's author, the Dickster, because he has passed. In fact, he finally ate something he couldn't pass-my husband's underwear! I miss having dogs, but now I have hostas, ferns and CATS and the spring clean up is soooo much easier.

It's 2008; it's an election year and a Clinton is running for President--in honor of the Dickster, the most political animal I ever knew-I offer you:

Droplets from the Dickster

It’s about time someone around here asked me what I think. What do you think I do all day long?….. Wrong, I’m busy thinking. If more people would give us dogs the credit, we could solve the problems of the world. I mean pulleaze we certainly have more free time than the humans do. And isn’t that the truth, free time, as if anyone would ever pay us for our talents. There may not be anything that gripes me more than that stupid joke they make every time they bring home a new bag of dog food, “Look Dickster, we’ve extended your contract for another 40 lbs.!” Contract, my tail! If she only knew how much I help her! She thinks she comes up with all those ideas for landscaping with dogs. Who do you think gives her all those ideas? I do. Every time I was plowing through the flower garden, I was telling her I wanted a path right there. Do I have to spell it out?  Kelly, my mother, has killed enough plants in the back corner under the tree. You’d think the humans would get the idea without us drawing a picture for them—we want a cool shady place to spend the afternoon watching the neighbors through the crack in the fence.

Speaking of looking through the fence, she did have a good idea when she put the windows in the fence, but they only look at Josie’s yard. Josie is the new beagle mix pup next door. She’s got this kindof yappy, arrogant attitude as if she is the first dog to do everything. Like the day she came out telling us how cool she was for having an evergreen tree inside her house. Sorry, Hon, been there, done that—like, every year as soon as it gets cold outside. Jeez,  good thing she’s not a male- she’d probably lift her leg on it.

Speaking of lifting legs, a golden retriever named Grady lived next door before Josie. I honestly never knew we were supposed to lift our legs until he moved in. At first my muscles were so sore, because I was three years old and had never used those muscles. Well now I hear her laugh and tell people that I am Peeryshnakov.  What would you expect, I am taller and leaner than that golden boy and couldn’t let him forget it.

She used to think the squirrels were cute until one of them chewed up her trellis last week. I could have told her- they’re rodents! Fact is, I could have kept that from happening but they won’t put in a dog door.  Well if you must retain, then don’t complain!

There’s a lot of stuff I could do that’s helpful. For instance I could warm up their bed much faster than  that stupid cat-hey, you do the math, I’m bigger! I make a great doorbell, although butler or official greeter would be more appropriate. I really don’t think they appreciate this talent of mine. I’ve got half a mind to go over to that new Wal-Mart and get a job.

If you asked her, she would tell you that my greatest talent is being a Gordon sitter. Hah-hah-hah, actually I’m a great recliner. I look better on their furniture than they do. Although speaking of recliners, they got a new piece of furniture they call a recliner and it’s pretty creepy—seems to be covered in some kind of animal skins. Suffice to say I believe in brotherhood, I believe that in not getting on that piece of furniture I am taking a strong stand against abusing animals. Hey, I walk my talk! I’m a nylon collar kind of guy!

Waste not, want not! They are definetely not getting the message about preserving our natural resources. Making them aware of this is my life’s mission and I’m willing to die trying! Here’s what I do to get them to stop using so much paper, especially Kleenex.; I simply pull it out of the wastebaskets as often as they fill them up. You’d think they would get the message.

She is in to all of this alternative medicine stuff.  I tried some of her fish pills once- yecccch! Here’s my secret to good health—keep yourself cleaned out. I eat a couple of washcloths out of the laundry basket every week. It’s a little rough going at first but you get used to it. Hey, I’m eleven years old and still at my optimum weight-it must work!

Cleansing…. It’s interesting how humans use that word. I spent the last six months watching her work on her computer while she  watched all that Clinton stuff on TV. Here’s what I think-if I   was President none of this Monica mess would have happened. One-I’m neutered and two, I’m flexible enough to take care of myself.